What's in a word?

Meet “David". He’s a rising star in a large tech company. If you ask some of his peers and leaders to describe him and his work, they would say things like:

• “David is a real straight shooter…he’s not afraid to tell it like he sees it."

• “I continue to be really impressed with David. He’s incredibly savvy at navigating our complex organization. Very, very diplomatic."

• “No question David will be a leader in this company some day…he is focusedand driven."

• “When I think of David, I think of passion. You can just see it in his eyes…he is passionate about our company vision and the work he does."

You all probably know “David”. Maybe even some of you *are* “David”. You have conviction…ambition…focus…you are tireless.

Now, let’s meet “Mark”. Mark, while smart and hard-working, is a real problem. If you ask some of his peers and leaders to describe him and his work, they would say things like:

• “Mark is overly aggressive. Unfortunately, he has a real knack for pissing people off."

• “Mark is way too focused on politics. Sure, as a large company, we have politics. But he’s so political…I have a hard time trusting him."

• “Mark is smug and dismissive. Lots of people around him have opinions and advice to give, and are trying to help, but Mark has no time for it; he just goes and doesn’t listen."

• “When people try to give Mark feedback or try to provide him with alternative ways of looking at things, he immediately gets defensive."

You all probably know “Mark”. Though you may not want to admit it, maybe even some of you *are* “Mark”. Aggressive…obstinate…ruthless…rude.

[And before I get too far and make this only a guy thing, “David” and “Mark” are just as easily “Diana” and “Margaret”.]

Here’s the thing…”David” and “Mark”…are the same person. Wait…what? Same person? That’s impossible. Or is it?

• Isn’t one person’s “straight shooter” another person’s “aggressive”?

• Isn’t one person’s “passionate” another person’s “defensive”?

Why is this? What causes the perception of someone to be so different…practically polar opposites? Is it the circumstances of the situation? Does it all come down to the first impression…how you “show up”? Is this all about subtle behavior? Would learning and practicing the sales technique of “mirroring” help? How do you make sure you are perceived as David or Diana…not Mark or Margaret?

I actually don’t have a very good answer for this. Having been perceived as both passionate and defensive at various times in my career, I wish I knew. I do know one thing, though…once an impression or point of view is established, it is very hard to turn around. Confirmation bias sets in.

From the book Mindware: Tools for Smart Thinking by Richard E. Nisbett, Confirmation bias is “…a tendency to look for evidence that would confirm a hypothesis and failing to look for evidence that might disconfirm the hypothesis.” David shows up a few minutes late to a meeting…he must have been deep in the throes of good work in a previous meeting. Mark shows up late…clearly he doesn’t see the value in the work we are trying to do.

And with every day that passes, the beliefs get further and further ingrained. “Just living in the world and noticing things can leave you with a hopelessly wrong view about the association between two events. Illusory correlation is a real risk…Noticing and remembering the cases that support your hypothesis more than ones that don’t is another aspect of confirmation bias." (Nisbett)

Interestingly enough, there is evidence to suggest that there are even cultural differences around confirmation bias.

“for trends of any kind at all…Westerners tend to assume the trend will continue in its current direction; Easterners are much more likely to assume that a given trend may level off or actually reverse itself. Business school students steeped in the Western tradition are inclined to buy a stock that’s going up and dump a stock that’s going down. Students raised in the Eastern tradition are inclined to buy a stock that’s going down and sell one that’s going up. The dialectical tradition explains in part why East Asians are more attentive to context. If things are constantly changing, you better pay attention to the circumstances surrounding a given event. Things are going on to influence the event that will result in change and contradiction." (Nisbett)

In particular, I love one word in that excerpt. Context. We all know it has huge implications to our behavior and the perceptions of our behavior. In fact, Google (where do they get their definitions from?) defines context as “the circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood and assessed.”

“…fully understood and assessed.” It’s right there in the definition. Yet how often do we undervalue, under appreciate, or even ignore context? We so often fail to realize that David is relatively new to the company - as such he’s full of optimism and hope. Mark, on the other hand, has suffered through 4 bosses in less than a year and hasn’t had any consistency in direction or leadership. David’s home life is relatively calm and stable with one child and a wife who really does most everything when it comes to raising the child and managing the home. Mark, on the other hand, has 3 kids - one of whom has special needs. Additionally, since he doesn’t have a sizable inheritance to count on, he and his wife both work full-time and equally share in the responsibility of child rearing and home managing.

And this says nothing about the context of the person making the observation and judgement. Are you in a “glass half full” mood when you attend David/Mark’s presentation?…or is your glass half empty?

So, perception is everything…and once a perception is formed, confirmation bias will do everything it can to keep it status quo. But, how do we break out of that vicious cycle? How do we change how we are perceived in an organization? Could something like the Ben Franklin effect be a solution?

From Wikipedia with a reference to changingminds.org, “the Ben Franklin effect is a proposed psychological phenomenon: A person who has performed a favor for someone is more likely to do another favor for that person than they would be if they had received a favor from that person. An explanation for this would be that we internalize the reason that we helped them was because we liked them. The opposite case is also believed to be true, namely that we come to hate a person whom we did wrong to. We de-humanize them to justify the bad things we did to them.”

Said another way, “Change people’s behavior and their hearts and minds will follow." (Nisbett)

So, dear reader, I’ll leave you with this final thought and suggestion. If you feel as if you are getting a bad rap from some of your colleagues and leaders…that they see you as Mark (or Margaret), what would happen if you manage to get them to do you a favor? If you nicely, politely, gently, and at the right time ask them for a favor - help you by reviewing a presentation…ask them for an introduction to a customer or business associate…ask them to take you to lunch and tell you about the secret to their career success…etc. – is it possible that their perception of you might start to change? Would this work? Could it? Has it worked for you or anyone you know?

Do me a favor (wink wink)…let me know in the comments section.